Just be-clause

I have been reading many clauses. Not in my official capacity, however, but as a homeowner. Specifically, as the owner of an older home. It is loaded with charm...and now, with a lot more.

I came home on Wednesday night, wearing my maternity top, and found a note from my dogsitter. He was concerned because there was water in the basement...and not "plain" water....but very dirty water. He said I shouldn't even go down there. He had also seen a mouse. Now, the water with you-know-what in it didn't terrify me, but when he said MOUSE I began to whimper and cover my ears. My little Molly thought I was sick and began to lick my face. (I sure hope she hadn't been in the basement....)

So I called Roto-Rooter and John the plumber said he could come over very late that night, but the next morning at 6 AM would be better. So I set my alarm for before six, got up and waited....for a long, long time. My cell phone, naturally, wasn't on. It wasn't on because I had left the charger in the office. It was a new phone...well, new to me. I had recently lost my third phone in about as many months. I looked on "Craig's List" and found one being sold by a guy called "Iz". I had to meet him in a parking lot. He brought his German shepherd. I brought cash.

While my phone was off, John was desperately trying to reach me, as he was apparently on my street...somewhere. I got to work on time, but was totally exhausted. Finally, John and I reached each other. I went home for lunch and found sewer trucks from the town on my street. I hoped that they had somehow caused my basement flood. I was trying to eat an egg salad sandwich that my mother had made and delivered to me. Then the town engineer showed up. Then the town plumber. Then my friend who was going to hem my curtains. My dogsitters and dogs, of course, were already there. Then John the plumber and his co-pilot began going up and down my stairs. "Look at my pants," one of them said, "they're soaking wet!" As their boots trod over and over my kitchen floor, the egg salad lost its appeal.

Finally, both plumbers faced me. "Bad news," they said. "We're gonna have to dig." (Have I mentioned that my husband was in another country and I hadn't been able to reach him?) "Can you dig?" I asked. "Sure, but not today...it'll have to be tomorrow." And then they showed me the estimate. I was very happy I hadn't eaten the egg salad.

I began to read clauses....and sign my name. Now, earlier that morning, I had read all the clauses in the contract for a new roof and signed my name to that. I realized that I was spending more money in one day on lousy stuff than I had ever though possible. Asphault shingles? A sewer pipe? Nothing I wanted, but everything I needed.

At night, I treated myself to "Vanity Fair" and actually read....at the counter of the Blue Ribbon Diner, with a coke and a cheeseburger deluxe in front of me. Exactly what Geneen Roth says never to do. I didn't care. I was reading Marilyn Monroe's secret diaries. I did not have dessert, but did stop and buy myself an entire box of dark chocolates. It was difficult to drive, put on my reading glasses (have I mentioned that I recently had eye surgery and don't have my new glasses yet?) and read the little writing on the inside cover of the candy box that showed the flavors, but I did it. Then, I went to Home Depot and Ocean State Job Lot and spent more than I ever have (a theme!) on stuff I never wanted. Mops, odor eliminators, disinfectants, detergents, tarps....all the "fun" stuff every girl loves to buy. The mopping of the kitchen floor was a difficult project, especially since I was exhausted and, at the same time, on a sugar high.

The next morning, a huge truck arrived carrying a back hoe. Then, my plumber friends arrived. I took the dogs to doggie daycare to keep them safe. That was the only bargain...they gave me a "two-for" price and put Halloween kerchiefs on Molly and Emily. Adorable! I called my insurance company and a company that handles hazardous waste clean-ups. When the guy told me what the clean-up might cost, I barely felt a thing.

I arrived home to find the two plumbers, the town plumbing inspector and the hazardous clean-up dude. My dad came over too. "It's really bad," said the hazardous clean up man. "Worse than I thought." More than the roof? More than the installation of a new sewer pipe? Yes. More. He handed me some papers, loaded with clauses, at the same time the plumber came in and showed me other papers. I signed them. I was no longer reading clauses.

The men all suggested that I go out and purchase stakes and crime scene tape to make a little fence so that Halloween trick or treaters wouldn't fall on my lawn where the digging had taken place. Sure, I thought. Why not? Right after I wash and disinfect my kitchen floor AGAIN. So, tonight I will go to the store. Not a fun store like Kohl's or Macy's...not even a semi-fun store like the grocery store. No, I will go to a hardware store and buy more things I don't want because my sewer pipe busted. I will not bother to read any warnings or clauses when I purchase these stupid things. I will be too tired, anyway. I might just re-read that Marilyn Monroe article, however. With ice cream on the side.